In any creative endeavor, failure is a key part of progress. It is, very probably, absolutely necessary. In life, vulnerability is a fatty glue that can hold us together, forge relationships, and help us win America’s Next Top Model. Burning the noodles to learn to cook, falling on our faces to learn to run, farting in front of our bosses to learn to treat indigestion before it becomes a noticeable problem–it’s all necessary, all part of growth.

So, in respect to the fuck-up, I pour one out for the fallen–baring my creative attempts that ingloriously tripped and died on a land mine. Thus I present what will likely be the first of many toasts to the failures . . .

Here’s to the Satirical Pamphlet Or Whatever the Heck It Was That Was Eventually Supposed to Turn Into a Story, Killed By Various Ailments

HOW TO BESEECH THE GODS FOR MERCY

A practical guide, from basic pleading to human sacrifice, in six parts.

PART ONE.:   Basic Pleading, and the use of prayers, hymns, sweet-smelling oils and smokesticks, and other things that do not require any sort of personal sacrifice.

It is a lenient god indeed who will respond to Basic Pleading, but in instances of granting small boons, ie. “please my Lord prevent my anus from leaking in public places,” or appealing to the less-endowed gods, i.e. Melvin the God of Anal Leakage, it is appropriate.  Basic Pleading is also recommended for those completely unfamiliar with Beseeching, as it may provide a stable foundation on which to build up later stages of Beseeching, like a seed unto a tree.

Method:  Bow your head, fold your hands, close your eyes, and visualize the object of your beseeching.  If you do not know to what god you are beseeching or are absolutely lost in this step, imagine something like a bush baby in flowing white robes with a jewel-encrusted battle axe.  This is the recommended Generic and Unspecified Universal Deified Image, and its recommended name is Fortibieu the Destroyer, although modifications may be necessary as situations require.

Address this visualized being in a respectful manner, beginning with the word “O” or “Dear” or “Hail and well met,” and then respectfully suggest it might be helpful to you or the human race if said deity might accomplish a certain task.  Be as specific as possible: many have asked for world peace, gotten their wish, and not noticed, because they did not specify the duration of time, which world, the nature and meaning of the word “peace”, and whether or not human beings should be involved. (For the type of world peace often imagined in the modern human mind, Basic Pleading will not suffice. See Section Six: Unholy Pacts and Human Sacrifice.)

For extra effect, you may burn smokesticks or pour sweet-smelling oils on yourself, which will cover up the offensive aroma of your stinking human body; or you may sing hymns, which correct the dulling monotone of “please give me this please give me that and by the way you are wondrous” in the same way that “I want to have sex with you” becomes more interesting by varying tunes and harmonies in popular music.  The greater the show, the more impressed your minor god of choice will be, so make sure you look really sincere and do not smell like poop.

 

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